A long rant I wrote on the bus on my way to work this morning...

I feel like there is no point in even talking to you.
Everything is fine in our relationship as long as I don't ask anything of you (to do something, to change) and as long as I don't think of the future.
The present moments are mostly good, but that isn't enough.
I'm in a relationship but I still feel alone.
I can't talk to you about stuff because it's pointless and just leads to fights. You either turn into this angry person that I don't recognize or the conversation goes well but nothing actually changes.
I don't feel like you have my back, like were in this together.
You talk alot but there's not a lot of action, just pretty words.
I feel like this relationship is stuck, is going nowhere.
I can't live like this forever.
Scared to ask things of you.
You just do nothing, you're so lazy, irresponsible, I can't count on your word, you don't contribute your share of anything (money, housework, emotional availability).
I give you so much: I do you favors all the time, I listen to you even when I don't want to, I'm patient with all your ********, I've lowered my living standards for you.
I guess it's my fault.
I would prefer to just do something myself rather than wait for you to do it and be disappointed.

Even though I'm unsatisfied with our relationship and I don't believe things will ever get better (because that all rests on you changing), I'm terrified to leave. It's comfortable and familiar.
I'm scared to be alone.
I don't believe I could find anyone better that would want to be with me.
I know I deserve better than you and I have much higher potential to be successful and happy, I'm just too scared to take that chance.
There's no point, I won't be happy no matter what, so I might as well settle for the little moments of happiness with you.

The situation. What happened:
- Got home from work around 6:00.
- Andrew spent the entire evening on the couch, mostly sleeping. This is totally fine, doesn't bother me.
- Around 8:30. He is awake. I ask if he can do the kitty litter. He says no, he doesn't feel like it, he'll do it tomorrow. But by tomorrow morning, it will have been a whole 48 hours since the litter was done. I think this is too long. He doesn't agree.
- This is where the conflicts starts. My point of view is that he has been sleeping on the couch all evening. The least he can do is take 5 minutes and do the kitty litter. I would consider it a favour to me.
- So after he says that he will do it tomorrow and I say that is too long without changing it. I mention that he has been sleeping all evening. He gets really annoyed all of a sudden and in my opinion he is yelling at me. I say, do you realize you're yelling at me. He says that I should just stop talking and walk away. At this point I am very upset, my face is burning up, but I try not to show it. I say something like, "yeah, and you dont have an anger problem", and I think he responded no.
- I walk away, go to the other room. I am super pissed off, crying. I write in my journal, walk the dog, go to bed without talking to him. This morning we ignore each other and dont say a word.

- I want him to bring it up and apologize to me.
- After a fight, I am always the one who "gives in" and starts talking first. I want him to apologize.
- I know this is super unlikely, but I wish he would just apologize and admit he is lazy and doesn't pull his weight in this relationship.
- I give him so much and he gives me so little. He couldn't even take 5 minutes and do the kitty litter. I know we both contributed to this fight, but it would have been so much easier if he would have just done it.
- Well I am pissed. I am done doing him favours until he apologizes and recognized the situation.
- He needs me more than I need him.
- Favours that I won't do until he apologizes: Picking stuff up at the store, walking Ben on Friday morning, listening to him ***** about work (I will just tell him that I don't want to hear it), doing his laundry, lending him money
- He wouldn't do me a tiny favour and instead he yells and acts like a total jerk? Fine. I can be just as stubborn.
- The only selfless favour he does for me is to occasionally pick me up from somewhere. Other than that, he just takes.

So why am I with him? What do I get out of this relationship?
- the animals
- cheap rent
- I like hanging out with him, cuddling, etc.
- We do get along really well when things are good.

- But again, as soon as I ask anything from him, he lets me down.
- And when I think of a future with him, I get anxious and scared and I don't want to think about it. How long can I live like this? With him just being lazy, unproductive and irresponsible. Not saving any money. Drinking too much. Not able to count on him to get **** done or take care of his **** (insurance audit, still never put up the curtains- I will have to do it myself because I'm sick of looking at it, just sleeps all day on the couch.)
- I might as well be in a relationship with a talking, farting pillow.

- I just don't feel like he loves me.
- He says he loves me so much and bla bla bla, lots of pretty words
- But his actions don't reflect that
- When situations like this come up and he turns into this angry asshole, I don't see someone who loves me.
- I see someone who is taking advantage of me
- He knows he doesn't have to be accountable because I will pick up the slack, I will bail him out
- Love is not just cuddling and saying pretty words
- Love is actions and doing nice things for your partner in a selfless way.
- Instead of taking 5 minutes to do a task as a favour to this person he "loves", he decided to get angry and be an asshole
- And he wonders why I doubt his love
- If he loved me, then he would want to be his very best self - not just lie around on the couch all day
- If he loved me, then he would want to do favours for me that make my life easier- not just say he will do something and take forever to do it or just never do it at all.
- If he loved me, then he would speak to me with respect - not tell me to **** off