Quote:
Originally Posted by Hellion
Honestly I am not so sure its nessisary to forgive those who have wronged you, I just don't feel one is obligated to do so. I can see moving past the anger and hurt you feel about it at least as best as you can so you can move on with your life....I guess I'd say its best to save forgiveness for those who will appreciate it and learn from their mistake not people who don't give a damn and will likely continue wronging other people.
Also you don't have to ever be over it all, its not a weakness on your part there are some things people can't get over and that's ok.
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Hellion has pretty much summed it up. Just to add a few thoughts:
In my opinion, forgiveness is:
1) highly overrated
2) poorly defined/nebulous/it is hard to check whether you have forgiven or not
3) is often, per what I am seeing on here, making things
worse rather than better because people believe that they MUST forgive, and then forgiveness becomes another chore, but unlike running the dishes through the dishwasher or walking the dog or dealing with the kitty litter or other chores one must do, forgiveness has the problem (2) above associated with it. Running the dishes through the dishwasher might be boring or, when you are depressed, may require more energy than you have, but it is clearly defined - most people know how to load and unload the dishwasher.
In other words, if you come to a point when somebody tells you that you need to forgive (per your OP, "
So I have been told I have to forgive myself for the past. (Also to forgive those who have hurt me in anyway)."), then, chances are,
a) you have made mistakes in the past,
b) others have wronged you in the past.
a) + b) = you have a lot of problems / enough problems.
People who have a lot of problems do not need MORE problems. Being told that you need to forgive and being unable to forgive = you are making a new, extra problem for yourself, which does not solve the existing problems ((a)+(b)) but only increases your load of problems.
Do you really need it? How do you benefit from having yet MORE problems? What is the point?
Some people who benefit from forgiveness, in ways that they define for themselves or in ways that have been defined by others, should continue to practice forgiveness because it benefits them, but to make it some sort of a requirement for living your life for everybody, including for people who do not seem to easily get a grasp on forgiveness, is completely ridiculous.
Also, the verb "forgive" is defined in the dictionary as
Stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.
In general, people cannot will feelings. You might or might not eventually stop feeling resentment, but it is largely outside of your concious control.
A much more practical approach to dealing with what you did wrong (according to your current opinion about your past actions), is to
learn from your mistakes. This approach is largely cognitive/analytical, and you have more control over how you use analysis than over how you feel.