Dairy - try Lactaid. Lactaid milk, lactaid pills. Also, kefir, farmer's cheese, and yogurt, especially plain Greek yogurt. Try them. If it does not work, you might need to drop dairy, but you should try them first.

You should not be going vegan now, for two reasons: there is no solid proof that it is healthier, and, you are overwhelmed by trying to reach too many goals at once. A woman who has a toddler and babysits another toddler and has to be gluten-free (for reasons that are objective rather than made up, I assume) and is on a budget CANNOT physically add another constraint to it - your extra constraint of veganism should be dropped.

You are causing your own problem of being overwhelmed. Do only what is absolutely necessary. If no gluten is absolutely necessary, drop gluten. Feeding toddlers is absolutely necessary, so feed the toddlers. Vegan lifestyle is not absolutely necessary, so do not pursue it - table the idea of vegan until later in your life - the vegan lifestyle will be available for you at any time you wish to pursue it and you do not have any deadline on it.

If you do not eat/drink cultured dairy, you need to obtain beneficial bacteria from another source. All of those other sources of beneficial bacteria cost money. If you like the taste of yogurt, the simplest, most effective, and cheapest way to obtain the beneficial bacteria is to eat yogurt (hopefully, plain or with a few berries, not fruited/sweetened/with added granola that has gluten etc. - just plain plain plain, and Chobani/Fage are the best in my opinion and I have tried every brand). Without the beneficial bacteria, you will compromise your immunity and the health of your digestive tract - do you need additional problems? do you need to get more respiratory infections than you absolutely must, now that you are staying with two toddlers?

You are saying that "It would be soo much easier if I had a drug or alcohol problem....I could just STOP it completely."

No, people with drug or alcohol problems have it worse than you, because they most often cannot just STOP completely because it is outside of their control. Your ideas are in your head (pursuing too many unnecessary goals at once while being on a strict budget) and you have control over the ideas in your head, and yes, you can stop the pursuit of unnecessary goals. You might not be able to stop bingeing in an instant, but you can stopping pursuing the vegan lifestyle in an instant.

Plus, the vegan lifestyle will deny you access to cheese, and cheese is one of the best inventions of the modern civilization... so why deny yourself that, right?

If you are so in love with the vegan idea, you should supplement with vitamin B12, I imagine. At any rate, you will need to watch what you eat carefully to ensure that your diet meets all the requirements. It is SO much easier to meet the requirements of a balanced diet without being a vegan. Even people who do not need to watch two toddlers and stick to a budget have trouble ensuring that their vegan diet meets the basic requirements.