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beauflow · 03:56 AM

((((Roadie)))))

Kitten surprise for you

I bet they lighted up your day

I will try best to remember the little things in life can make such a great impact, bigger than a lot of things. I know that to be true if I just take some time to go through the good old memory bank of mine...

People are hard for me to get, or is it I have trouble getting a long with others?

At either rate, I do try best with it......

Talk to my s/o a lot with things.... even this topic here...

On Monday,. My s/o and I went up the little mountain (I think it is more a foot hill than a mountain but it is what it is called)... but we made it further up than the first time.. My S/O mentioned we took less breaks to get up, and we made it further.........
It is part of exercising but it is also part of going further than in the past....

Surprising --- Work with how it is managed is one main thing that triggers negative thinking patterns for me at times, with how people "work" at work or lack of work at work eats at me as well........
But yet, At work- there are so many individuals that I speak with, that have in the past helped me out. Even on the topic of addictions.

Something with the Cosmos maybe??? mention supporting others.... and on Wednesday morning my relief came in for work...

She is new(er), well she is on her 3rd week (almost ending her 3rd week actually) and still hasn't been trained

She is an older lady but she is having some trouble, like me with adapting to the environment of work (I have been at the same job for 6 years now though).

I really feel for her on this with not being trained, and I at times "feel" her anxiety as well. It is part of the chaos with management as well around here, which just can throw myself in a loop..... I still try very hard to use what I can as tools, which is usually the practicing of "Stepping back", remembering what my duty is and what I control and not control.

The something Strange in the Cosmos is:
We got to talking about various things, -- I.e. being able to adapt in the enviroment....
she mentioned how she mentally is not doing well with putting herself down a lot... especially after Tuesday and her "nose got slapped a lot" by supervisor for things. I so know what she is talking about.

But she mentioned that On Friday's since she has been working with our team, she leaves and made a jester of a huge "cup" and she glugs it down....... She mentioend if she could drink every day, she would be.

Strange with how I have been feeling lately and wanting to escape this came up... but I was explaining to her on a very small level, of when I first started at work, that my "coping skill" for it was drinking or doing other stuff every day (hard drugs)... And that It really did not help anything, and was not healthy mentally or physically..... and it just made things worse...... i had mentioned to her about self confidence , and I hoped this year, I had enough to leave the job that we are at.... Connections there that I see but I am not sure many others do....

Most days, when ever I speak to myself or on PC here, of those days, i use the term "negative coping skills"..... Here lately I haven't been until Wednesday morning when talking with new lady at work.....

No here lately I have had more thoughts of how using it as an escape methods along with I used to go out and do things with friends when i was a stoner, and even at times when doing other party drugs.... how I used to go have "fun" and these days I don't do anything but stay at home, and work.... I even would go to a few raves too!
Back then I used to go to movie theaters which today---- I don't desire to go out to the movies due to I get to anxious with the crowd.... imagine me now at a rave and it would be like- I gotta go, too many people.

But wednesday morning, when talking with the new lady----- It was like a big reminder....
Negative Coping Skill....... I don't want to slide back.. I still have smoking and emotional eating that I do which are negative coping skills, i don't need to add another that I have already dropped at one point.

I hope this weekend, I will be able to go back to the little mountain again... Not feel so guilty about past things-- i.e. if I would had started earlier with working out, I would be able to do this easier......

I remember reading an article once about Guilt and Shame of Recovery Addicts...... Usually those guilt and shame are real pushers for relapse.... As I have been reminded here on PC by many good friends---- Look Forward instead of backwards....
I myself, though have trouble with forward, and seeing obstacles and not sure how to over come them-- However, as I know from the past of my own---- IF at one point I do over come those obstacles, I do while not slipping back..... I know, i will feel better with in myself, that I will look back and say--- Hey see, i did it.... have that accomplishment and some empowerment felt with in.

Asphyxia

's to you..... I am not sure if anything in my ramble helps you or others, but I do hope you well....

I am not sure about you, but with counter thinking, especially on alcohol for me.... If I go get ********* even just once--- That could really effect me negatively for days to come....
Or worse yet with all the stress that has been going on, for me, while drinking i can be a roller coaster.... which never "helps"

While at times I do remember the "good" which are not really "good" but I perceive them that way at times, but also see the "negative side of things".... *I do need to spit it out I feel, maybe for myself, but what I perceive as "good" from using, is just an illusion.*

That is one thing when I speak to my s/o about when I want to go do coke, or just go back to the life style... he will ask me to think about how it really was... I get reminded how much chaos actually went with me with that life style.....

I don't know about you but for me--- Life can be chaotic as is, I don't need to add to it

's

Be well