> What is keeping me going is the guilt of throwing away everything my parents give to me, and the fear of dying. Then again, the fear of living is always with me too. So I don't know.

My worry in attaching my reason to live to the expectations or worries of others can only serve to make them happy, not me. You need a personal reason to live that isnt subject to the un-predictableness of others thoughts or opinions.

I dont really fear death, its going to happen to all of us and I dont think it will be a bad thing if Im even able to be consciously aware of it. However, the process of dying is something I think about. There are certain ways I wouldnt want to go.

Living is, at times, scary. It is also, at times, awesomely beautiful.

> Because everything that I am seems to stem from this depression. All of my personality traits. All of my hobbies. ... the risk that I'd lose them is just too high.

This is similar to the person who never changes kitchen pots because the ones she has are somewhat functional and familiar. At times she may think about getting the new set but sentiment prevents her from doing that. She fears giving up the old set will leave her with nothing to cook in. Its possible she wouldnt find a set as good as the one she's used to and so she continues using the old set, ignoring leaks and broken handles.

> And that is why I feel I cannot get better. It's too much to lose.

It sounds like you believe you could get better, but choose not to because of your friendships and likeable hobbies. Would you stop liking them if you werent depressed? Are you saying your friends only like you if you are depressed?

> I've lost my love for myself, I cannot lose my love for my friends.

You dont need to lose your love for them. You would regain your love for yourself if chose to. Even if you couldnt get better, you can still choose love for yourself and friends, even if they cant love you back.