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I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. I don't really have advice for you. I can offer a lending ear anytime you need it. I totally understand everything you wrote here. I totally know how all of this feels.
I'm sorry I can't help much but know you do have others that truly get this.
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"Death is easy, peaceful: Life is harder"
"The Day You Turned On Me Is The Day I Died,
And I've Forgotten What It's Like,
And How It Feels To Be Alive" (Daughtry-Gone)
"And you always want what you're running from. It's always been that way." Bittersweet Lyrics by Ellie Goulding
"The reason I hold on, cause I need this hole gone." (Stay by Rihanna)
"The opposite of love's indifference." (Stubborn Love, The Lumineers)
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