I love your honesty, Sweepy. It takes a lot of courage to lay our secrets out in an effort to share the burden with others who might understand. And I do understand. I used to shoplift and take money from my boyfriend back in my 20's but I realized it only hurt me. I also realized when I felt good about myself I made art or wrote poetry...like your crafts. I didn't itch to scratch that place I could never reach. Because the pit becomes bigger and deeper when I try to fill it with negative action and thoughts.

I was on lithium and gained 60 lbs. I know it is a first line and proven drug for many people. However, anything that makes me gain weight I refuse to be on. I am very upfront with my Pdoc about that because being huge makes me depressed and counteracts the meds. I have never been a happy camper when I was fat from meds. Just me. I am on Lamictal, geodon, celexa and lorazepam and ambien. Lamictal and geodon are mood stabilizers. They work with each other. Geodon is anti-psychotic. Celexa is an ssri, lorazepam for panic and gad and ambien for sleep. None of these meds make me gain weight but I question how well they work...but I have only been on them 4 weeks so I am holding out on making a call.

Being psychotic is really scary. I saw pictures warp on walls, smelled roses when there were no flowers in the apartment and heard a party going on in the elevator shaft. Also I was so afraid of everything, I was unable to cope, barely walk to the car to get to the hospital, shaking, clapping, freaking. I am glad that is over. I actually was very pleased with the hospital and grateful to have a safe place to be. Sometimes I long for a hospital stay again...no stress, three meals prepared, no normal people to feel less than around, safe, nowhere to be, rest...coloring and daily therapy!

It takes an average of two years to get the med cocktail flavor just right. Some get it sooner, some later. But don't give up...it will get better. Do you have a local support group? Also tricking your mind when you have a negative thought to go from that thought to the very worst thing that could happen, then to go from the very worst scenario to the very best thing that could happen...then find a thought that is between the worst and best because this is normally what will happen anyway. It works for me when I remember to do it.

Thanks for your open nd honest post.