*****TRIGGER*******





((am safe, i guess, haven't SI'd in a few months now, almost did last night but stopped myself...))


daughter had a breakdown last night before she went to bed. she was tired anyway and i figured she could stay up to watch Curious George like she asked. i didn't mind. she's such a good girl, she deserved it.

well, it was the movie we were watching, and it got to a part where George was about to paint some walls of this woman's apartment (yeah anyway). the woman was apparently an opera singer and she was yelling at the regular painters for getting the paint color wrong. daughter started screaming and crying and couldn't tell us what was wrong. then i asked, "do you think George is going to get in trouble for painting the walls?" because he had just started and then she had started crying. she bawled and nodded her head and i felt horrible. it's my fault she had that melt-down, because when i get really upset i yell, and that woman on tv was yelling, and daughter thought that George was going to have happen to him what happens to her when mommy's upset...

i really hate myself. she's so little, but she's going to remember how i treat her. she's going to remember what a piece of **** mother i am. she's going to hate me when she gets older. she's going to have the same problems i do, only worse. i'm trying to be better. i'm therapy for her. i'm trying to learn how to cope with my emotions. but it's hard to not go into a rage. because that's what it is, a blinding ridiculous rage, and she shouldn't see me like that, she should never be the brunt of my anger, she deserves so much better than me...