Quote:
Originally Posted by Music Rules Me
Once again, it's been a while. Nothing's better, but I'm still alive here, so that's something.
In the time I havent been on here, I've been thinking and have realised some things which I never really have thought about before.
1. I am ill. I suppose I never thought of depression as a real illness, but really it's as much an illness as physical issues, isn't it? It causes pain and suffering and can sometimes be fatal.
2. I can not keep on living like this. God only knows how I've managed to live in this state of mind for as long as I have. And I know I won't be able to keep this up forever.
3. I can not get better. I don't remember a time before I was depressed. All I know is myself with depression. During this time, all of the things I even have a slight interest in have developed. Writing, sketching, painting all came about to help me cope. Acting I took up to be someone other than myself for a while.
My guilt complex makes me considerate of everyone around me, and makes me have a conscience and not be an evil nasty person. This comes from being depressed too.
If I lost my depression, I would also lose everything that makes me ME. I don't know who I am without it. That's if I am anything without it.
4. I am as scared of dying as I am of living. The only place where I don't have either fear is when dreaming or daydreaming. I'm stuck in this constant limbo, from which I cannot escape.
So basically, I'm just as scared and confused as ever. But now I know that I can neither live with this, get better, or kill myself.
Does anyone else understand this at all?
Sorry for the long post. Hope you're all well. xxxxx
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Yes, I do understand. I also spend a lot of time thinking about my mental health issue, which is chronic depression. I have been depressed since my teen years, had my first panic attack, that I remember when I was 18. I am now 65. I am not the only one in my family who has mental health problems. Maybe you aren't either. Your parents, may in fact, be of some help with this topic. In my case, both my father and my mother's family shared this illness. My daughter, started having panic attacks, when she was in her late teens, and, when I look back at her early years, I was always concerned that she may show some early signs, and she did. We never discussed the subject, until she had her a panic attack on her way to work and called us, very upset. Since then, we try and share how we are doing. I don't want her suffering and feeling alone, like I did. I always thought I was the only one in the family that was experiencing this, because no one talked about it. Depression is more accepted by the medical profession now, and having celebrities come forward and talk about it, is all very positive.
Please keep looking for the answers and keep hopeful. If I can be of any help, please let me know
