My step-father had a heart attack. At first, the doctors thought he might die. Now, he is doing better. They sat him up for a while and took the stent and balloon out. He will probably get a pace maker soon. He has had some rotten teeth pulled yesterday. I haven't heard how that went yet.
I am worried about him and my mom. My relationship with my step-father is confussing. He once said that I was too stupid to be a doctor. He tended to yell at you and insult you if you didn't understand an order immediately. He did some other mean things like chasing me on a horse. I had thought about stopping to see if he would run me over. I wanted him to run me over and feel guilty about killing me. But, he loved me, defended me at times and bragged about me behind my back.
So I am confused on how I feel. Do I love him? Do I hate him? Can a person love and hate someone at the same time?
My T just ask me questions and wrote in the file when I told her this. Do you ever wonder what they write in your file? I know I do sometimes. But, it might interfere with her ability to be honest if I tried to read it on her. Besides she seems to keep it short because their doesn't appear to be much room for her to write on the form for some reason. I wonder if my files makes me sound nuts.
How does one figure out how he/she feels about something? I know that I don't want my step-father to die. But is that only because I don't want my mom to be left by herself? She is not used to living on her own. Or do I want him to live for some more noble reason? Doubt it. What is love? How does one know if he/she loves anyone? I sometimes feel like I might be incapable of love because I can't conceive of anyone loving me.