The last time I posted I said I was expecting a new list of Ts to call from my xT. I had sent him a list of all the male T's on my insurance provider list. I got that list, called all 5 of the ones he marked as "good" or better. Only one called me back. This is the way it goes.

I saw that T yesterday. He seemed OK. Before I told him anything, I asked him to tell me how he works. Basically he says he runs the gamut from doing very strict DBT to very loose just talk therapy. I asked him what his schedule was, and he didn't give me a set schedule, just said he starts really early on Monday and it basically get shorter from there until Fridays, when he says he finds other things to do.

I was really scared, and a mess. He asked me if I was as scared as I looked. So I explained that therapy and therapists pretty much = trauma to me by now. That he was T#9. He was unfazed and said I was "courageous" for continuing to try. Pffff. Whatev, T. Just can't believe anything they say now. I was very vague about everything I said. That last T had betrayed and then abandoned me (thought I heard a sound emit from him, but I wasn't looking) and I would not tell him who because if I continued with him, I would be needing to trash on xT and didn't want to take the chance that he knew him.

So long story short, I didn't feel the connection that I was hoping for (that elusive gut-feel) but I thought when I left that he could work. I will go back next week and see how it goes. I really don't have any other option except to give up. I could, I guess, work on the females on the insurance provider list, but I really, really don't want a female and I don't know why I feel so strongly about it. Even though I had a female T for 9 years and was attached to her, I just feel differently now, like they're colder. I don't know how that's possible, but that's all I can come up with now.