There is something seriously wrong with the nature of my relationships with other people. I am desperately needy.

I have a strong need to be liked or at least respected and seen as competent in the eyes of others. Looking back throughout my life, my greatest achievements are the result of me working to impress someone. It's the one thing that truly motivates me. This isn't something I can just change; others tell me "Oh you just need to stop giving a **** about what others think." I feel like the strongest desire that exists in my soul is to be understood and appreciated by others.

The problem is made so much worse by the fact that I'm socially awkward, not so much because I feel particularly uncomfortable around people, but because I'm a slow thinker and poor conversationalist. To make matters worse, I'm incredibly self conscious, which further hurts my ability to have a normal conversation as I can't think well under the pressure of people waiting for a response. So, as a result, I've never had too many friends, and those I've had never really understood me. I love my family, but they also do not understand me at all. I'm almost 20, and despite being physically attractive, I've never had a girlfriend or even been in love. The relationships i've had in the past have been sufficient until now, but I feel acutely aware of how lonely and isolated I am in this world for the first time.

So, from the research i've done, I think I may either have AvPD or be a covert narcissist, the latter being more likely. As for the evidence for AvPD: I am hypersensitive to criticism, have deep feelings of inadequacy, and sometimes go out of my way to avoid social contact because I fear appearing awkward. In group settings my almost constant focus is on how I am being perceived by others. However, I don't feel it's a perfect match; I am willing to get into arguments and sometimes even seek them out if I am confident of my victory and I think the result will make me appear superior or competent, something I've heard people with AvPD almost never do. I also am usually able to overcome fear of embarrassment when it comes to trying new activities, although it isn't easy.

Covert narcissism mostly fits me nicely. I definitely have feelings of entitlement. I'm not sure if I consider myself superior to others, but I certainly try to (and definitely long to actually be superior and have great abilities), especially when it comes to intellectual matters. The one thing I have in life is fairly high intelligence, but I am even unconfident about that. Whenever I can't figure something out I feel I should be able to, I either fixate on the problem until I solve it, or rationalize my inability to explain it in a way that protects my image of my intelligence. I do this with very petty things. I thrive on positive attention and seek to attract the attention of others any way I am able, although this can be difficult because I usually avoid direct interaction. I revel, for instance, in appearing to be that quiet, mysterious kid in class who's so deep and intelligent that he can't be bothered with trivial small talk. I take good care that nobody finds out about my need to seem special and the act I put on. That would be devastating. I appear kind and thoughtful usually, but sometimes also arrogant and combative, especially when I am in a situation where I feel confident. When I am arrogant, its usually over arguments about ideas, which are a prime opportunity for me to show off my intelligence and depth without hurting anyone. Regarding fantasies, I fantasize about situations where I possess great competence, depth of soul, and morality, and they are all on display for the world to see. Things like stopping a school shooting, delivering an amazing refutation of somebody's points in a debate of great importance, or saving the world in one way or another.

Covert narcissists are supposed to lack empathy, however, and while I am incredibly selfish, I'm not particularly lacking empathy and don't want to hurt other people, other than in the deception I must perform to get them to see me the way I want. I'm also not angry and defensive; I don't get upset just because somebody disagrees with me or challenges my ideas. I'll feel humiliated if publicly defeated in an argument, but I won't lash out. I also don't think I'm subtly manipulative like I've read covert narcissists are, although I certainly can be a jerk to my family. I've also read that narcissists don't seek help themselves, although maybe I'm just seeking improvement as a means to end, as a means to being happier and becoming more able to get what I want. I don't like the idea of being a bad person, but it's seeming more and more likely that I am.

I am seeing a school counselor right now, but to be honest, she doesn't sound as if she understands the depth of my problem at all and hopes to fix my problem by just connecting me more, rather than addressing the cause of my poor connections. Sorry for the long post, but I was hoping somebody would be willing to read it and could help guide me where to go from here.