You have so many things spinning around in your mind... I know something of what that's like. You don't know where to start to sort it all out & you can't imagine that it's even possible to do so. It's like a gigantic ball of wire that seemingly is impossible to untangle. But you must try. I don't know if you have a therapist. If not, I'd strongly suggest that you find one; preferably one who has experience working with people who have gender issues. If you've tried seeing therapists before & it didn't work out, try again & keep trying until you find someone you feel comfortable with. This can take time, I know. I've been through a few myself. But continuing to "pick at this snarled-up ball of twine" alone is just going to make things worse. I know that because that's what I do!