Why even bother? Honestly, the universe will never allow anything good to happen, so why try?
I don’t see much point right now… none at all in fact… got to go see my T tomorrow.. that will be fun as I’ve walked out of the last 2 sessions and he’ll only start asking why and then go on to exactly the same topic that I refused to speak about before AGAIN…

Got a phonecall from the hospital today… someone has to go and get my mother to sign a load of papers, so that will be either my brother or myself… and knowing him he’ll make me go, I don’t want to see her… especially not like that not there . not sure I’d want to see her anyway… but when most of the time she isn’t really “here” and doesn’t even recognise me all of the time when she is it’s just awful… I think I’d actually prefer her to be insulting me like she used to do…

My father’s appearing in hallucinations… how lucky am I? not only has he invaded my dreams and waking life through flashbacks, but not he’s there in an almost physical form too…

Why can’t I just have a normal life? Without voices, halusinations, self-harm, anorexia and all the other %#@&#!? Normal people don’t see/hear/feel things which aren’t there… normal people don’t fear their father and a brother who they haven’t seen for 5 years… normal people don’t put themselves into a 3 day coma just because their father rings them… normal people aren’t covered in scars which are of their own doing…
Does normal even exist? I’m not sure anymore… not sure of anything, thinking won’ work properly at the moment. Far too tired for that, insomnia sucks… it’s like there is a dampener field around me at the moment, external influances don’t get through… and even when they do it’s as if they have been weakened, yet past influances and feelings are still there… so it’s not as if unable to feel, just unable to feel (or even fully comprehend) the present…

Gah! Pointless rant! Sorry.. taking up space with pointless stupidity…
Just want to sleep right now… real sleep, not go to sleep and then get attacked by memories that I don’t remember… not sleep and then have nightmares or flashbacks or whatever the hell they are… not sleep only to wake in an hour…
Almost miss the first week in hospital the other month… granted I don’t remember much of it, but the confusion and lack of understanding was almost a break… a different type of confusion, was almost good… that sounds stupid… in fact that is stupid… kind of proves how useless I am too, so useless that I can’t even die properly.

Life is blatantly over-rated. Sorry, space wasting again/still… I’ll stop now