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Originally Posted by optimize990h
You need to set boundaries with him. Did your T could set up a goal focusing on the therapeutic treatment required for you to overcome the depression?
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We worked on it for a long time, but I've always had a hard time when taking meds and anti-depressants, so I always quit on them. I haven't visited my therapist in some time now and she's probably assuming I'm doing fine. The last advice I got from her regarding my relationship was "if you're going to start all over again, do it as adults and don't act like kids... this goes for both of you".
Meanwhile, I lost my job and I'm now in this situation. So I should start my sessions again.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hamster-bamster
So there is a downward trend.
Presumably, if you keep doing the things you have been doing, the downward trend will continue.
So you need to do less of what you used to do or come up with new things.
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I've thought about that and it makes sense. And that's usually how it goes between us: we fight, he withdraws, but with time it gets better and he becomes more caring and affectionate.
What's happening now is that he's not talking to me after the fight we had through e-mails. Yesterday I finally replied to his last e-mail saying that I was staying silent because I was working on myself and he replied "to be honest, I've lost faith in all this" which triggered my anxiety. I've heard this from him plenty of times, but this time I don't know what to do. I'd usually wait until he talked to me or missed me, or I'd make him a surprise visiting him after work or something like that.
So I replied to that apologising and telling him that I was unfair and wrong and that I'm not trying to convince him of anything, but hope he will forgive me. I told him he didn't have to reply if he doesn't want to, and that I understand. And he hasn't.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hamster-bamster
And, by way of giving advice that is 100% safe and universally applicable, you need distractions, interactions with other people, exercise (I should not be saying that...), and anything to extend YOUR attention beyond him.
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Yes, that's very much correct. Although it's hard especially now that he's not talking to me and I have no idea what's going through his head, if he's going to let it go and eventually miss me, or if he's done with me. I can't even sleep well.
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Originally Posted by riotgrrrl
There's a few things that you wrote that seemed a little unfair. You say that you were this horrible person to him during the depression, and you broke many promises. He stuck by you for a long time during that.. this must show how much he thought of you. You then say that you have a hard time getting past the harsh things he said when you broke up, despite him apologising. Do you think that you may be being a little unfair with this? He seems to be able to forgive enough to move on, and try again with you. I think you should try letting go of some of the past too, and try again with a fresh outlook.
I think too that you do not understand the taking it slow thing. To say that you do not like that you're no longer the center of his universe, and that he goes to see friends, but this is exactly what taking it slow is. Perhaps if you did what Hamster suggested, build up your own life, interests and hang out with your friends too that you may not be thinking this stuff over and over and dissecting everything he does or doesn't do. Just try enjoy being together when you are, building up trust, having a good time and creating some fun, wonderful memories to take over the hard past that you both had together.
I also think you need to keep working hard at the therapy. Low confidence is a horrible thing to suffer from, especially when it effects us so deeply as to obsess over him liking a photo on tumbler or overthinking things with his actions. You need to also learn to trust him and his word when he says he wants to be with you - these things will be a little easier with working on your own self confidence and sorting through your past issues. I know that's so so so very hard when you've been through everything that you have, and its going to be tough. But please, keep working with the therapist and remember to be kind to yourself too. You've been through a lot.
As for your family, just tell them if you hate lying. While they do not like him, am sure that they will be happy if you're happy. They obviously only see one side of the story, your side, and that you probably told them when you'd broken up and were angry.
Good luck with everything.. and please try to relax and just enjoy being together.
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Ugh... I don't even know how to respond to that. You're right.
Thank you all. Now I just need to figure out what to do: wait, or try to see him. I'm scared of the outcome. I though I'd lost him once, I don't want that feeling again.