OOPS! You are in the right forum! I thought I was answering you from a different forum. My apologies. You were not being unfair posting where you did, nor for what you said, either. I wouldn't want you to change a word, nor would I want to you stop venting, either. It is good to be able to do that. Please do not go away because of my response - I tend to be terribly slanted one way or the other and often forget to consider all sides!

I am also guilty of not reading your entire thread - only your last post (which I responded to).

Unfortunately, when dealing with mental illnesses within your family, every question and every situation will be double-edged.

What is clear from your last post, however, is that you are at the end of your rope, no?

Also, your husband's unwillingness to continue treatment is a sign that things are unlikely to get better for you and your kids, only worse.

If he is unstable now, and unwilling to remain in treatment or on meds, then this is where you MUST take a stand - either he continues treatment (because, as you said, he is fine when under medical treatment) or you are gone.

It is so important for people with some types of mental illnesses to have clearly defined boundaries from those who care for us. We will ALWAYS try to get around those boundaries, because we feel this is the only way we can get what we feel we need.

YOU must keep your senses about this.

I liken your situation to one my boyfriend is facing now. His daughters refuse to support themselves or take responsibility for anything (and I mean anything) even though they quit high school and declared themselves "adults." Both he and his ex keep "giving in" to their BS, and the kicker is - they KNOW they are being lied to, yet they continue to enable their daughters by allowing these behaviours to continue. I am now watching both parents become less and less enamoured with their children, and resentment toward them is building at an incredible pace (especially since one has now cost them thousands of $$ and more payouts are to come). Both are at the point of wanting to disown their children, but will they change their ways? Noooo. Will they take responsibility for the way their daughters were raised. No. They only can see the end result - uncooperative teenagers with absolutely no boundaries whatsoever. To both of them, it is their girls' that are the sole cause of their own misfortunes. Kinda hard to accept this argument since they are barely old enough to be called adults, let alone the fact that they are not even adult in the eyes of society (law).

My point is, if there are no boundaries or no consequences, then how will you (or anyone, for that matter) ever be able to affect personal change and growth? You won't/can't under the current circumstances.

Since you are the stable one, it has been left to you to make the ultimate (and the most painful) decisions by yourself. You cannot rely on your husband. He has proven over and over that he is unreliable as respects his illness.

As a borderline myself, I get away with alot of things that I wish I wouldn't, because so often, most people are afraid(?) to take a stand for themselves. And, if and when they do, it is almost always too late for reparation. I'd say you are at that point right now, right?

I do stand by what I said earlier, though. You have ALREADY made your decision, the problem now is implementing it.

This can only be your choice.

As for worrying what effect this is having on your kids? Be assured, this IS affecting them - deeply, and could cause deeper problems for them in the future, especially if husband is now focusing his desperation onto them. They do not deserve to carry this load. It is not theirs to carry. It is yours, and now you must decide who/what you are willing to sacrifice: You and your sanity? Your children's? Your husband?

I am sorry if I sound harsh (again). I am not trying to be rude - only direct.

Only by saving yourself and your kids first, can you then be able to try to "save" your husband.

I wish you all the best in these dark times and pray you will find the strength to make the decision that is best for you.

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