Its very hate-able. If you can, believe in yourself, as hard as it may seem to be able to do. There is someone at your center who you are in touch with, but it is fading in and out with the depression and manic waves. Continue with treatment, continue reaching for that someone inside you. It is the real you, the one you know is in there, the one who keeps crying out for connection. You can find (him/her?) but it takes time.