I probably have depression since i was a litle child. Eevry time i go back to my old memories I can't never see me as a happy, confident child.
When i was 3 years old i can still remember that at that time the outside world was already running to fast and that i couldn't catch it. I was with my oldsister at kindergarden and i wasn't already capable of making my own friends.
When i watch some old videotapes i can see myself as a child that wasn't there. They call my name and most of the times i didn't answer and i wasn't a energetic child. My parents allways said that i am very lazy.
When i atended the first school years i remember me as a very shy girl with litle friends.
At five and after at seven years old i had sleeping troubles. I wasn't able to sleep at night unless i could sleep with my mothers.
Back when i was 12 i realized that i was too much afraid to die. Then i started to feel all kind of disease, I went a lot of doctors and did lots of medical exams just to hear, every time the same thing, you are perfectly fine.
I was very shy at it was very hard for me to make new friends, but i knew if i could spent some time with new people eventualy i would be more confortable. Sice my 12 years old i wasn't able to make new real friend. Now all relationships i can't get are too superficial. (I had the company of my old few friends until i was 16.)
since my junior here in high school i feel tired everyday, my memory became worst, but before that i thing i never was able to really enjoy something. I also can't make a decision by myself...
I'm now 21 and i never feel like a sad person, but my life is a mess wich i don't like. I just have the feeling that i don't care about nothing going around or inside me. I just forget everything, trying to remember things is hard, even if the information is still in my mind. I also forget my opinions about things and the reasons of my judgements, so i just feel like floating around here without a point, without a personality, without a goal. All my opinions are constantly changing and i can't know who i am. Sometimes i just feel like a normal person, just to realize after that i'm still sick. Sometimes i think that i can have a normal life and i can seek for bigger achievments in mylife just to realize later that i can't do almost everything because i don't have the energy needed.
My head can't land, its is allways out of reality and i can't put my feets on the ground-
I already attended two psychiatrists, took a lot of different pills (antidepressives) but nothing worked, it was when i was 18. I really don't know what to do. I can't speak to anyone about my problem because if i speak i will not remember lots of things, i don't have the energy to do it, i don't trust anyone and i feel lazy.
I wish there was someone out there to solve my problem instead of my, to help. Alone i can«t do nothing and my relatives don«t see through me.
My familiy is kind problematic...i am what i am in part because i never felt understood, just criticized.