I didn't want today to happen, deaths in family, lover upset/mad at me, work stress, home stress, hiding the truth from the one family member that I am closest too, and my emotions are ****ed up.

My head hurts, my eyes hurt. I feel drained of all emotion, drained of all feelings, drained of all care. I thought about suicide a lot today, even though it was a good day over all. But whether it be cowardice or fear or just the fact that if I do it will be left to others to pick up the pieces. I think the key there is thought about it. It's not like I don't think of it other days, it is ALWAYS there in the background. Just today, today was different. Today I feared life somewhat, I didn't want to continue with life without the person I upset.

The thing I take from this is, tomorrow is another day. While I am upset that the thoughts crossed my mind, in a way I am glad they did. Because while the thoughts were there, I am still here to post this. I got home and cried. Took my boy for a walk and cried more. Went to bed to try and sleep and cried even more. Woke up about 2 1/2 hrs with RED puffy eyes, work to do, and thoughts to process. I think to much, I am way to critical of myself, I take the most innocuous and innocent comments and twist them into hurtful messages sent to me by people who love and care about me. I don't do this on purpose, I don't want to do this, but there is nothing I can do to stop this thought process.

I am going to start smoking pot, while the side affect that plagues me is uncomfortable (makes me even more horny than I am normally, and that is a lot lol), it helps me. It stops me thinking. It stops the constant crap that goes through my head. I am hopeful that this will help.