I have been in therapy for over six years. I recognized after about a year that I had grown very emotionally attached to my female therapist; I will say that I love her. I have read a lot and I understand the transference concept, and that I don't really know this person that I sit with every week, to whom I spill my guts. She represents someone from my past, or an ideal person that I wish I could know.

I think about her every day. Some days she is constantly on my mind. Those days I wake up thinking of her, and she is on my mind until I go to sleep. The pain of knowing that one day our therapy will be over, and I probably will never see or talk to her again is very painful. The obsession and the pain have eased a bit over time, but at this rate it will take another 3 or 4 years to be eradicated. Somehow I cannot let the feelings I have for her die out, even though I understand the reasons for my love feelings for her. Many of our sessions are based around my feelings for her and branch out to related issues.

As an example of the mental games I have played with myself to try to become a part of her life after therapy: whenever she reschedules an appointment because she is ill, I imagine that she has a serious illness that she is hiding from me. I then feel that I can somehow help her if only she would confide in me. I am not a doctor. She has had no outward signs of serious illness, and as I said, I have known her for over six years.

My love has given me much to ruminate about. I have had a lot of introspection and personal growth, partly as a result of my feelings for her. But my feelings have also gotten in the way of my therapy. I concern myself with wanting to know her better, and the desire to know if we might try being friends one day.

But my life goes forward, as does everyone's. If I live long enough, and work at it, I may one day understand myself and my pain.

Thanks for reading my long thoughts of longing.