what you have gone through must have been devastating. I see your desire to want to appear better for your mother's happiness and while you have to do it for yourself, you can use this desire for motivation. you say you have gone a year with no change, but don't say how proactive you have been in your treatment. Obviously, what you have been doing isn't working and you need to advocate for yourself with your service providers for different meds, alternative treatment modalities until you find one you respond to. Most important, don't give up. I have wanted to die all my life and although it has taken many years of therapy and changing medications, my thoughts have finally shifted to wanting to live. I cant believe the change in my life. But I have worked hard for it and never gave up. you can too.