I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. When my father had a heart attack and they didn't know if he would make it or not,I was unsure of how I felt too.

part of me wanted him to die because I thought then I could be free of the secrets.. and part of me wanted him to live because i did love him.Most of me was more worried about where his soul would go if he died.

I have found that I hated the man who did terrible things to me and I loved the man he could be.Like a good father and a bad father... I had to learn to seperate the two.He is dead now..

he was given about 3 good years after his heart attack and I think he tried to make ammends in his own way.So when he died,I didnt struggle with it as I had when he nearly died the first time.I was at peace with it I guess.

But after he died is when the memories stated flooding my mind.. so I was given a whole new set of issues to deal with concerning him...and I was glad he wasn't here.

Love is real.. and you are just as lovable as anyone.. and you deserve to be loved as much as anyone..Faith