I never know what I am feeling from day to day. Except for maybe loneliness or irritated (when someone triggers it), but that is nothing new.

I quit T last week. I emailed T a few days after about my thoughts about how she reacted to my wanting to leave--she wasn't happy and voiced her concerns. I was SHOCKED by her response and part of me shut down and couldn't really bring myself to say anything. She even laughed at my reasons for needing to separate myself from therapy--ive been in T for 5 years straight and just wanted a break and I got tired of feeling like I was running in circles and beating my head against the wall with her and felt like she just doesn't understand me (or maybe I'm skilled at articulating things) Anyways, T called (I didn't recognize the number so I answered it) yesterday asking if we could meet next Friday because she wants to discuss her concerns with me. I'm a little annoyed that she feels like she needs to address concerns considering she expressed her concerns at our last session. I agreed and hung up the phone and then wondered why on EARTH we can't just talk on the phone. I don't feel like making a 2 hour trip for a 30 minute conversation!! I called her back and asked her and she said she understands why I don't want to make the trip and will be happy to discuss it on the phone, but would prefer that we meet in person so she can see body reactions and such. Of course since i just can't ever bring myself to say no, I said FINE, and quickly hung up the phone. I am really annoyed with myself for emailing her now and at her for calling me, when I told her i didn't want or need a response....

I called a new potential T for a 2nd appointment just as a follow up from our last one to ask her some questions I didn't get to ask. She is completely booked! I told her never mind about the appointment and I will call back when I am ready to schedule regular ones. She sent me an email saying that she hopes she didn't put me off, that she would really be happy to work with me, but is having scheduling issues right now. I didn't really care. I've learned not to expect much from people anyways. I figure I will give her a call maybe in the fall or closer to the end of the year. Hopefully she can fit me in.

I didn't mean to write a rant :-)