Hi, I am new to this site

I was really just about to start writing an email to a friend of mine that has hurt me in the past few months. You could say we are going though a break up so to speak and it really hurts because just out of the blue she seemed to turn her back on me. But she did it in such a way that I wasn't really sure what was happening. I was confused because she was becoming overly nice yet at the same time becoming more and more distant.
We had been friends for about 7 years and I considered her one of my best friends. We used to be able to talk for hours whenever we went out for lunch or coffee. We always saw eye to eye and I found that when I felt misunderstood by so many people around me that she was the one who would get it because she was feeling the same way. We are both yoga instructors, which we both found challenging because the yoga community is filled with do gooder types who focus so much on the positive that they dismiss anything that is considered negative. This leads to alot of shaming and righteous attitudes which makes it challenging to be real with anyone and can lead to repressed feelings. It was refreshing to have my friend agreed with me and through that friendship it was easy to express stress we were both going through in order to heal it.

About 2 years ago I was in a car accident, two of my friends badly injured. I was left traumatized and with survivors guilt because I was not injured. I developed a fear of driving and have not driven since, Instead choosing to ride my bike. I am single and live alone on a farm. The decision to ride my bike has been a big one since it has made my life very difficult. I am also facing court dates due to insurance which of course has been a strain on me. For the first while my friend was there to support. Then about October of last year things started to slowly change as she started seeing her own therapist due to depression. She said she was struggling because she was married but didn't feel she had her own life and didn't know what her purpose was. She was feeling guilt for not doing anything with her life. My heart went out to her and I supported her as she was supporting me through my pain and challenges.

She was put on medication to treat depression, one to make her sleep, and one for ADHD. Her Psychiatrist told her to only do what she wanted for the next 3 months. She began going out more and more with out her husband, making new friends and trying many new activities. I supported this at first. happy that she was finding freedom. However she began to show lack of consideration for others feelings around her. She became apathetic to how her actions affected others. She seemed to become reckless with her behavior taking on more and more responsibilities and then not being able to come through with all of them. She started posting things on facebook daily about how awesome she was and posting picture after picture of herself in skimpy clothing and sexy yoga poses. She seemed to be getting more and more full of herself with every male compliment she received under these pictures. I noticed that the more attention she was getting , the less she was wanting to spend time with me. This really hurt because I felt cast aside, not longer needed or useful in her state of euphoria and popularity. Our friendship which she once called her lifeline was now a hindrance.

She was too caught up in her own joy to find time to help me through struggles when life was not so great for me. She would post things on facebook about how those who chose to feel pain were only ignorant of who they truly are and in essence idiots. On some level I think she feels she is now above pain and embracing who she truly is which is love. But I feel that to shut a friend out with such indifference and apathy is chilling and not love at all. She stopped calling to see how I was, found reasons to turn down my invitations for lunch or coffee, but yet smiles brightly at me when we are forced to pass each other in yoga class on the days we both teach. Normally I would find a smile comforting and inviting, but yet knowing that she has completely and emotionally shut herself off from me, I find the smile a painful jab that just makes me mourn the realness of a friend I no longer see behind those eyes.

I am definitely feeling grief. My heart is broken from the loss of a friend whom I had relied so deeply on. I feel shamed for having these struggles in my life and not being able to be bright and sunny the way she is so displaying herself right now. I feel confused with positivity because I am meeting more and more people these days who speak of positivity , joy, bliss, and oneness, but yet can be so cold and cut off from anything that is not their own happiness. It has sent me in to a place of despair as well as deep deep soul searching. Re evaluating people who have an extreme need for positivity. Reading books like "The dark side of the light chasers" by Debbie Ford. "Spiritual Bypassing" By Robert Augustus Masters. And also questioning the role of medication and how this has played a role in this unhealthy detachment I am faced with in my friendship.

I know this is a heart break that will make me stronger and more aware eventually. But right now I am feeling a bit shaken up from it and a bit low. So I am asking for support, advice, opinions and anyone willing to share similar stories.

Thank you .