...sometimes you realize that you've been asleep for too damn long.

So I went out with some friends from my other (old) job last night, a job where I now only pick up shifts once in a while, the same job where I see my ex-friend occasionally. **Yes, this is going to be about him again, but also about just relationships in general. Anyway, one friend was talking about a coworker who who happens to have the same name (J) as my ex-friend. Another friend said, "Are you talking about nice J or a-hole J?" I was like, "Wait...you guys think J is an a-hole?" They all replied that they did, and that everyone did, but that they didn't want to say anything to me because they knew we were such good friends. I told them that we had been friends but weren't anymore, which opened the floodgates. Apparently, J has a reputation at work. He's not very friendly, not engaging, doesn't really care about people, etc etc. Which doesn't surprise me. I mean, I guess kind of knew all of this, if I'm being honest.

So...why am I posting about this? Because I finally woke up and smelled the coffee, saw the light, whatever. I feel like I wasted my time even mourning the loss of this friend when he clearly never missed me (and I knew it--I even said it). I feel like I wasted my time being this person's friend when I doubt my friendship meant anything to him--and I spent most of my free time with him when I could have been pursuing other friendships. There are other people out there, I just have to make the effort. Instead, I wasted my time on this person who most people think is an a-hole. And he is. I mean, I had fun with him and it did feel like he cared at the time, but I don't have much to show for the time spent with him. I know it doesn't matter what other people think of our friends, it matters what we think of them but the fact of the matter is that all of the things that they say about him are true, I've just rationalized them all away.

I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't have posted this, it's kind of silly. I just think that it's high time I stop taking such a narrow view of my life and relationships, you know? Just because I have BPD doesn't mean I have to hide in my house and take the crumbs life throws at me in terms of relationships and etc, and be sad when I lose one that I've held too tightly. I need to actually go out and pursue my options, not sit around and complain about not having any.

Anyway.