So this is what is going on in my head. I just gotta get it out. Otherwise I think I might burst.

My head isn't a very easy place to be its full of contradictions and jumbo uturns.
I'm anxious and nervous about going to see a Dr for my problems. I don't like being put in situations where I don't have control and I always think the worst is what is going to happen. I know I'm depressed. Negative thoughts all the time and when I have energy the negative thoughts just race around my head faster and faster until I can't see straight then I lose my breath and have to calm down and try to refocus to regain my bearings on reality. I have been suicidal before off and on since 2nd grade. I eat in circles and normally have to eat all of one thing before moving on to the next thing on my plate. If I do jump between things they are touching and have to be somewhat mixed together. If the same car is behind me for more than 4 turns I start driving around every block to find out if they are following me. I don't focus well most of the time... if something shiny is put infront of me I'm off topic. I Siberia don't sleep or sleep to much. I don't eat how I should. I either eat way to much or way to little. I can be supper happy dancing and singing one minute and within an hour or so be crying and have no idea why. I sometimes am really easily made mad. To the point you could accidentally run into me and I'd be ripping your head off. My thoughts cycle I get mad at you then I get mad at me for getting mad at you etc... I can tell you that all of these things are unreasonable but I still do them and think them. I rarely feel middle ground and am always one extreme or the other. My moods don't last very long and I can go up and down to the extremes a few times a day. I don't want to go to the Dr because my trust is shot, I don't want to be put in the hospital again and that's my biggest fear, and I know I'm bad at taking medicines.