With the first guy, I have no doubts that there was love involved and we were a super great fit and were super close. With all the other guys after that, it IS very casual and I am well aware that I don't mean much to them and they could leave me at any time. [Though, I do think partly - only partly - why I don't mean much to them is because I go into it feeling like I don't mean much to them, like a self-fulfilling prophecy, kind of]. I think that maybe I feel safer with people who I know don't care about me that much, in a way. Even though I know very well that I don't mean much to these guys, I do have a lot of emotions towards them, I care about them, even if they're mean to me and will hurt me without a second thought I still see the good in them and it makes me happy and warm to see them happy and it makes me tear up when I even only imagine them sad or unhappy. I will put up with people being mean to me and not caring about me if I can spend time with them and not be alone, if I can have sex with them and physical contact with them because that makes everything a thousand times better, and if I can feel towards them. Even if I'm investing too much in them emotionally, and I'm hurting myself by getting really upset, I have a really hard time feeling like I really care about people - it makes me feel so guilty that I can't feel that for my family - but I feel like I care for these guys. It feels horrible and empty to be alone and feel like no one cares for you but it feels just as horrible and empty if you are unable to feel like you care for someone else.