I think you have a pretty good Idea what it is......

so now what?

how can we ...(you and yourself and others)...

all combined!

how can 'we' encourage you to like yourself?

death is easier than life

my idea of the suicidal idea has become just the perfect ability to complain like all **** about whatever I need to!...

and somehow translate that into the physical...

and death I have tried...!

and yet?

now it's much better alive I can complain about everything anytime all the time everytime!...

...I cannot do this unless I am alive...

and complaining is cathartic!

what you wrote was courageous!...well done!