I agree with ww, try to contact her, if you can't go see her. Tell her what you told us, and more about the good times. Holding it in doesn't do much for you... share with the one who can help you get through this. Don't be afraid to talk about death and dying, I guarantee it's fresh on her mind. So many relatives avoid the topic, and the person agonizes with it all by themself, not wanting to sound morbid to those who will be left behind.