Thanks to you both for your replies. I am falling apart. I know what you are saying h3rmit regarding if you died you would hurt someone else? Yes, punishment is a revenge…yet I feel I deserve to punish myself for not being any better after all this time…just still existing.

The way I'm thinking is that I'm living in unbearable pain. There are people I love and they love me…is it fair on me to just exist so that they don't have to suffer?

Does that make any sense to anyone? I don't want to be in this pain anymore, I don't want to feel like I'm merely existing and full of intense pain.

I dunno anymore…