Jeff,

Thank you for expressing your feelings so beautifully. I could have written most of your post, and your poem too. I always thought my "pattern" of falling in love with my Ts (I've had 5 and the same thing has happened with 3 of them) was my "issue", and in a way it is. It always seems to "take over" my therapy, making it hard to concentrate on anything else. It's worse with my current T because we have more in common than I had with the others. We're both female, and I too, am about 15 years older than she is. Age doesn't matter when we're in the throes of transference love.

I always used to say that my T "shattered my dreams." Over and over I would intellectually understand transference and the reality of the therapeutic relationship, yet over and over I'd have the same feelings for her! It is getting better, though. I've accepted that she is my T, and not my mother, lover, or friend. I've realized that the T relationship being different does not make it less! In some ways it is more intimate than any other relationship. What I have with my T is something special and unique. If we were friends, she couldn't be my T. I know how hard it is, though. I totally understand your feelings. Each week I fear that something will happen to my T (like her death) and I will never see her again. I've seen her for 3 years and I worry about that most of the time.

I've also talked a lot about my feelings for her in my sessions, though that has been changing lately. I know T is about me, not about her. For some reason, I've felt closer to her as I'm beginning to accept what she is to me, and what she is not.

Keep posting and sharing here.