Hi BF -
No, it's not fair, of course not. I don't feel it's fair to me. It's my choice what I do. I don't want to trigger anyone, and I won't hand out instructions, but I know I could end my life if I chose. I could even make it appear an accident, but my sweetie would know it isn't, just because he knows me. Still it's my choice. I am free. I don't always feel free.

The pain - there are many ways to heal pain. I chase these. I assume you have, and have not had adequate success. (Me either, though the past couple days are somewhat good.)

Life does seem futile and insane most of the time. You can see that from what I posted when I came here a couple months ago.

I try to cultivate a sense of humour. (Sounds silly, but it's serious - and silly.)

>Yes, punishment is a revenge…yet I feel I deserve to punish myself for not being any better after all this time…just still existing.

This is the part that is illogical to me. You feel it - feelings are not logical. We must not let them rule us, ultimately, or we lose. I know it's hard, though, because I've failed more times than Mcdonald's has sold a hamburger. (They used to have signs saying "jillions sold" etc. I don't know if they still do.)

Okay, off to the figure captions for me (another part of the draft -- end of term here).