---Trigger warning---

I counted my scars recently. I think I am trying to come to terms with what I have done to myself. I started hurting myself when I was 17. I was struggling really bad with depression in my teens and it got progressively worse after some traumatic events. I don't exactly remember how it started. When I used to get really down I would sit Indian style on my bed and just rock back and fourth. I think I used to scratch myself and tug on my hair. Eventually I began cutting. I found it to be a relief to my depression. I also had a lot of self hatred (and sometimes still do). I feel a lot of shame for my scars. Most of them are on my upper thighs. I also hid them and no one really knows that I did it beside a few medical people and my wife. I was at my in laws last year and I was wearing shorts. My scars where hidden, but I keep making sure my shorts where covering them. I was so affraid to have anyone see them. Sometimes I feel like a messed up freak.

I quit for 8 years. I went to some therapy and I made a lot of improvements in my life and things got better for a while. Whenever I was depressed I just shoved it all down inside and pretended to be happy. About a month ago I was feeling really down and I went to bed. I wanted my wife to join me, but she stayed up and played some games. I tossed and turned for a little bit then I noticed the scissors on the night stand. It felt more like an impulse than anything. I was feeling down and I picked them up and did a couple of light cuts on my arm. I knew I shouldn't have, but I did. The next day I found a naked picture of my wife on her phone that she sent to someone and I was so angry I wanted a divorce. In the following month I got back into therapy and started marriage counseling. I have however self injured about a half a dozen times recently. It has been about 2 weeks since I did it last. I still want to. Sometimes when I am depressed as a relief. Sometimes when I am angry as a way to cope. Other times it is out of self hatred. I get this feelings sometimes like I am an awful person that needs to he punished. I don't know where these feelings come from and sometimes I give into them.

There was a few times I was in the shower and I would sit in the shower and turn the water all the way hot. It wasn't enough to scald me, but it was really hot and somewhat painful. I know I have no rational reason to do this and most likely these feelings come from the depression. I used to do this in my teens too. At the time.I remember talking to my therapist about to therapist about it. I told her I was punishing myself because I could be happy. I remember she almost cried. Her eyes watered hut she kept her composure. Do this feeling come from depression or is it more to do with low self esteem?

How does one become at peace with self harm? Do you ever get over the urges? Part of it is coping with overwhelming emotions for me, but sometimes it is about self hatred and punsihment. I don't know if I will find any answers her and I may only find the answers in therapy.