Good luck, yellowfrog! I do hope you're accepted by the study, it sounds like the perfect place to start! And please don't think you're "weird" for being depressed--you'd be astounded to find how many people are struggling with mood disorders!!

Since you mention being a survivor of child sexual abuse I think it's extremely important for you to talk about this with a therapist. I know it isn't easy, but you've been badly traumatized and you definitely need professional help in learning to deal with this kind of abuse--it could well be contributing to your current problems. (I'm not qualified to diagnose anyone, of course, but have you ever been evaluated/seriously treated for PTSD aka Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?) It sounds like you were NOT well-treated by the social workers as a child but please don't let that discourage you--there are ppl out there who deal with problems like this regularly and I promise they will not treat you like you're "different" or "weird". What happened to you was not your fault and you need and deserve help!!! And I certainly do not look on you with "pity"--actually I admire you, it takes a very strong person to survive that kind of childhood!!

It does sound like you have some kind of depression. I have Dysthymia (defined as mild but chronic depression--it sucks lol), with an occasional bout of Major Depression--which is more serious but thankfully doesn't last nearly as long! I think I began getting depressed when I was about 12 or 13 and what you describe sounds very much like the onset of my depression. I can even remember talking at school with some of my friends over lunch about that time and I distinctly recall saying, "What's the point? You grow up, you get a boring job, you slave away for years, you get old and you die." (Sound familiar? ) I still remember the shocked looks on my friends' faces--they were so excited to be growing up and looking forward to life after high school, they didn't know what on earth I was talking about!!!

Sending you lots of hugs!!!!