I am new to the forums. After some apprehension I decided to join a bipolar support group/forum because I don't have any good lines of communication regarding this part of my life. Most people "wouldnt understand" and when I do tell someone about this aspect of my life they dont always know how to take the information I provide them - perhaps it is too much. Whatever the case it's frustrating.

Here are some fun facts and a brief life story. I hope some of you can relate:

I am 23, I was diagnosed with BP when I was hospitalized in November for a manic episode. I was very compliant with the treatment (apparently that's rare for people my age) because its painfully obvious something is wrong with me when I am not medicated, even though I have held my life together pretty well.

That's not the case anymore with this hospitalization. I lost my job as a TA at graduate school and had to withdraw from the program. I have accrued a great deal of debt and have not been able to find a job since I left school. In light of the garbage economy I am considering reenrolling..but that is another topic.

Anyway, my whole life I have always been either irritable or depressed. When I was a child I would get a kick out of smashing things, when I was a teenager I would go into suicidal episodes of depression. The two "polar" behaviors began to merge when I was probably 20 years old. I had clear signs of bipolar disorder by the time I was 21, but I did not know it. Heck, I thought I was normal and everyone else had a problem! By the time I entered graduate school I would swing between suicidal thoughts and extreme bouts of rage and anger on a daily basis.

It's obvious that those two feelings are a very bad combination. I am still very nervous about confiding the fact that I have had both suicidal and homicidal ideation because I dont want people to think I'm some crazy serial killer or a Hannibal Lecter. It is actually very frustrating. I try to have a conversation with someone and I will think about hitting them in the face even though they are not a threat. Some doctors have said that the rage is not necessarily another mood from depression, which makes little sense to me since the feelings are quite different though the subject may be similar.

I spent my entire life trying to control these thoughts. I was so compliant with the treatments when I was hospitalized because for the first time in my life I was content. It was clear to me that I could no longer function on a daily basis. This brings me to where I am today, trying to figure out what combination of medication works. I'm on Risperidal, Lamictal, Lithium, Zoloft and Hydroxyzine for sleep.

I have had the privilege of acquiring a laid back attitude at the expense of my sex drive, creativity, sharpness, and body fat %. Wonderful!!!!!

So, if you are still reading this essay then good for you! Congratulations, you haven't been turned off yet! I would like to hear other peoples stories and their journey on the road of BS..I mean BP disorder. Also, how long did it take to find a set of medications which had reasonable side effects?