Hey everyone, I only just joined this site (I feel bad for posting this massive thread before replying to anyone first, but I have an urge to 'confess' this now and hopefully get some advice/share ideas).

I've always had a very high sex drive and I'm probably addicted to masturbating (1-3x a day on average but sometimes up to 8x) and this was never a real problem for me until a couple of years ago I developed a fetish for femdom/humiliation/cuckolding (but NOT bdsm/pain/whips,chains/diapers etc.) - its specifically female domination (mainly psychological) and the thrill of feeling 'lower' than a woman that now turns me on..

However, the real problem is how it makes me feel day to day/when I'm not horny. At first I felt a little embarrassed but now completely ashamed, I think this is because I (perhaps foolishly) shared my fetish with (then, but now ex) girlfriends and I feel strongly that this is the reason the relationships fell apart (that they found me less attractive because they knew, and I often encouraged us to role-play in this way).

I've read a lot about fetishes and I'm a Psychology undergrad so I have a good idea of Jungian interpretations and many other explanations so I have a good idea of why I have the fetish. However, I'm more concerned about the shame I feel as this recently led to suicidal thoughts (I'm waiting for therapy but maybe 2-3 months to go). I'm quite a masculine and 'proud' guy and seeing users on porn sites who embrace/ take pride of their similar fetishes only makes me more ashamed (sorry!). It's not that the fetish is always on my mind, but that the shame is. I also feel as though the fetish is a spell that comes over me and as soon as I cum, it vanishes and I'm left feeling bitter and angry.
I feel like
a) I'll never find a woman who genuinely enjoys being dominant (even then, I'd be difficult for her because of the shame)
b) I'll meet someone who doesn't, and impose it on them ending with another break up..
c) I'll suppress and deny that I have it (doesn't last more than 2 days, I think denial is the wrong road for this)

If anyone has a similar story, fetish, or attached feelings of shame please reply as I'd love to feel less alone with this problem. + If not I hope it was an interesting story ;P