I really hate that I cannot shake these feelings. I hate feeling 'blah' every single day. I have been diagnosed with severe depression, agoraphobia, anxiety attacks, PTSD. I have been on so many different types of medicines, none which worked for me. Now, years later, here I am with no insurance and no way to get any kind of help. This is a small town and there is very little resources here. I've been struggling with this for most of my life. Let me see if I can describe my feelings every day:
Can't sleep
Get nervous over nothing at all
I'm over eating
I feel like I mean nothing to no one
I have had 2 failed marriages and MANY failed relationships (due to my low self esteem, jealousy, mistrust among other things)
I don't want to do anything or go anywhere or see anyone (not even in public)
I avoid social contact by any means necessary
I cannot hold a job because I always feel paranoid that I'm being judged by everyone around me
I get very, very mean and hateful when I 'do' go out anywhere public. I have had several yelling matches because I felt the other person was invading my personal space.
I don't drive anymore because I get angry at other drivers and my road rage is really bad.
I feel helpless, hopeless, unworthy, tired (all the time), angry, bitter, sad, ignorant, ashamed (because to me, this is NOT normal, nor is it okay).
I guess this is just the tip of the iceberg. My brain feels so scrambled with thoughts and I just cannot get the thoughts organized. I don't know where to start to fix this. I know I need help. All of my friends have turned their backs on me. All of my family has turned their backs on me, including my children. My brother and his wife is the closest family I have here and they tell me to just 'suck it up' and 'get over it' and I just need to MAKE myself get out of this room and do things. It is NOT that easy. When I have tried to set goals for myself, I always talk myself out of them by coming up with some notion that if I do it, what good is going to come out of it? I feel 'safe' in my room, in my bed with no one to bother me. I feel selfish just writing this because I do know and I do understand that there are others worse off than I am but yet I know that I need help myself. Ok, so that kinda felt good to get that off my chest and to see it written before my eyes, I kind of get an idea of just how awful it sounds.
Thanks for reading my mini-novel