Hi LifeofPi.

Many here, myself included, would tell you that as long as your fetish/fantasies are between two consenting adults, there is absolutely nothing wrong with them, nor any reason to feel ashamed. It's certainly nothing that should contribute to suicidal thoughts...it is not, in a manner of speaking, anything that bad, so to speak. Fantasies are just that: fantasies. Indeed, I think if you looked around a bit, you would find more than a few who're into the same thing you are (and more than a few who'd be willing to oblige ).

As far as it interrupting your last relationship, don't feel bad. That's not your fault. How exactly did you broach the subject? She may have felt intimidated by it, or furthermore may've been judgmental. That's not on you. That's on her. Or it could've been a simple matter of sexual incompatibility, in that she didn't feel comfortable doing what you were asking, and that may've been a contributing factor. In that instance, there's no blame...just two conflicting ideals, really. In that case, it would have been as if you had asked something she wasn't comfortable with. But again, it's not something that's per se bad...on the contrary, I think it's just a fetish, with no need to be ashamed of it.

Browse a bit...look around. You're not alone in this.

Hugs,
Harley