I'm feeling insecure about my relationship with J. He's the only person in my life who really knows me on a personal level, my only real friend, but how much of a friend is he? I miss being able to talk to him at length about everything going on in my life when we used to work together. We text a lot, usually every day. But maybe he's just a person who likes texting. Still, it's nice to have that as a constant in my life.

I called him today and we talked for a little bit. He even asked me how my search for a new therapist was going and asked what was new with me. But whenever I talk to him it feels like there's a clock ticking and time is running out. I don't feel free to talk at length. I brought up the subject of the spat I had with M and Jas. But when I started to get into detail I think I scared him and he said "Remember I don't want to get into these kinds of things." I did used to dump on him so he told me I can't talk to him about any of those things. But it's too bad because I have made progress and I can talk about things in a more healthy way but I don't get a chance to show him. It's really hard not having anyone to talk to about what happened with me and M and Jas.

It makes me feel bad to be kept at arms' length. I wish I had someone in my life who made me feel wanted and interested in what I had to say. J does moreso than anyone in my life. But I feel pushed away at the same time too. You know you're BPD when you keep trying with someone because you know they made you feel happy once, rather than face the unknown with someone new.