Hello everyone
I have noticed that a number of questions/potential discussions have come to light on member's personal threads where I replied. I am not quite sure how you feel about it, but I feel it might be letter to bring those discussions here so we can stay with the posters on their threads?
So I thought I would bring some of the questions directed at me here and make a start - feel free to come and contribute - this isn't my thread but somewhere we can all come and talk together.
Here goes for starters:
Quote:
Originally Posted by rainbow8
Moon, I'm very much interested in what you posted above. When I first saw a T, years ago, I thought my feelings for her were sexual. She told me something like what you wrote. She said they were sensual, not sexual. I've been seeing my current T for about 3 years. She does IFS, SE, and EMDR. In the beginning, a child part hesitantly held her hand because it felt safe and wonderful. It never felt sexual. However, I got very attached to her and once when she tapped on my knees during EMDR it did feel sexual. I like my T very much, and always thought I was straight, but the touching felt "too good", as I called it. We didn't touch during EMDR anymore, but holding her hand still felt safe.
This year we are doing a lot of SE, somatic experiencing. Once we did touch again, and it stirred me up. I wanted to hold her hand but she wouldn't let me. She said that she felt something sexual in the room. We discussed what happened, and she believes me that holding her hand never felt sexual. She knows my child parts want to be loved, but says it makes T about her, not about me. I agree with that, but my question is this. Can it be both? Can most of what I feel for her be the way you describe it in your post, that the infantile needs get sexualized because I'm an adult? I don't think my T understands that. She keeps talking about how most people are bisexual, and if I am, she doesn't judge me. I'm going to read some of your post to her, if that's okay with you. And, by the way, I'm married for many years but for a long time we haven't had much of a sexual relationship. So I think some of those needs ARE met by my T but in general, the love feels like you describe. Thanks again, for your helpful posts in this forum!  |
Hello Rainbow
I'm glad my post helped you. I don't agree with your therapist that your feelings can't be sexual - because they are!! You are an adult and as adults that early transference does often feel sexual - that is normal - they are being translated into adult sexual feeelings. But I think I hear your therapist struggling with it? It doesn't matter what the sex of the therapist is it will still be felt if it needs to be felt and needs to be handled and understood with the utmost care and respect. The trouble is it will happen even with therapists who don't work with or understand transference - and that can cause problems, often with the client being pushed away. It is very important when the transference becomes sexual that there is no acting out on the part of the therapist - as we have heard horror stories about on this forum - but it needs to be felt and understood. Does your therapist think it's about your adult sexuality? - that because you feeel sexual feeelings towards her that suggests your sexuality? I think that it detracts from what it is really about? Yes, we are all naturally bi sexual and can swing wither way at any time, but it feels there is some sort of confusion as to what this is about for you on the part of your therapist? Please don't be ashamed of your mind and body for having those feeelings - they are beautiful and very normal in any close relationship.
A powerful erotic transference can cause great confusion for us - e.g. suddenly we want to have sex with someone of our same sex when we have always believed ourself to be heterosexual - it really frightened me I remember.
I feel strongly that there is always the need to be cautious around touch and what it may create for the client. In my first therapy, after several years of building an attachment my therapist, who just didn't get transference at all, she decided to practice her newly found tool of EMDR with me - the physical touch involved caused powerful erotic unconscious material to surface which she couldn't handle - and all she could do was push me away by telling me I was ok now and no longer needed therapy. She had no idea about what she could potentialyl create and couldn't hold the aftermath - dangerous. It nearly killed me. I believe (and I heard Nicole say the same) that all therapists, even if they aren't relational/transferentially based, should know something of what can happen in a regressive maternal transference and the danger of causing great harm to a client - as part of their training/CPD. This doesn't mean they could work with it but might mean they better know their limits and can refer to someone who can work with it safely, as a way of limiting the damage that can be caused.
The discussions here have really got me thinking about love and intimacy and how all love is transferential as in the way we handle intimate relationships derives from that early relationship with mother and how well or how badly that went? That early attachment has so much to answer for. What do you all think?
I'm not an expert, none of this was taught to me in my trraining - I have learned from my own therapy and also my clients - aswell as doing CPD, etc through the years. I think that's really the only way we can
really feel it for others. I feel it intuitively but am not so good at writing it sometimes and I apologise in advance for that!!.
I will go through all the posts and try to answer any questions asked directly. If I miss someone please re post it here so I can find it and try to answer. I don't have much time during the week so please don't be offfended if I am slow at answering.
Moon