I haven't seen my dad in person in many, many years, but we reconciled (as much as reasonably possible) by long distance almost a decade ago.

He goes to Federal Prison tomorrow after sentencing. He's very scared...an old man now. His health is terrible. He had surgery yesterday and can barely stand. I'm one of the few people that he has to talk to.

I'm very torn. I want to be there for him. I feel badly for him, but I can't testify in his defense at the sentencing hearing. I'm afraid that the child inside me would rise up and do something horrible.

I'm stressed out and depressed. There's a little piece of me that feels triumphant that no-one can ever again say that I made things up, but then I feel guilty for having such thoughts about a weak old man that can't hurt anyone anymore. And there's another part of me that really doesn't want anyone to know I'll have a parent in prison.

And there's a part that just shrugs and says, "It's his karma coming back to him." There's also a part that's enraged, listening to the things he says and realizing how little awareness he has about the damage he's done to people. His denial runs deep, and he's an expert at making it all work in his head so that he didn't do anything wrong.

But mostly, I just feel sad for him and his families. Including me.

It's negative emotion soup. I like to stay positive, but today, it's not working.