Thank you all! It just seems that suffering with this for so long that I could just pull myself out of it. I have tried and feel like a failure. I don't understand why people say things like 'snap out of it' or 'it's just a phase, if you do this, this and this you'll feel better'. Really? They know exactly how I feel? I'm just agitated that the few people I thought were my friends would so easily turn their backs on me when I needed them the most. When they needed me, I was there, or at least tried to be. Every single day is a struggle just to get out of bed. I do have a dog and he is great! He does keep me semi motivated because I know I have to take care of him, take him out, feed him, bathe him, etc. He knows when I have my down moments and just lays with me. Sometimes he'll bring his toys to me and will stare at me until I play with him, which I do and it does help. He has licked away many, many tears. I swear he has been the best friend I've ever had. I have tried for medicaid and they denied me. I don't know why, they just tell me I don't meet their criteria. The thoughts and feelings are just so overwhelming, so out of control and it's pretty much every day. I know that when something bad happens to me I tend to block it out or run away, avoidance basically. I do whatever I have to do to not think about it. Then there is the nightmares. I am up all night long. I usually don't go to bed till 5-6 a.m. and then I only sleep 4-5 hours because the nightmares wake me up. I have tried herbal teas but have yet to find one that will help. I think what makes it really hard is needing help and not knowing where to get it. Sadly, from what I have been told, mental illness runs in my family and I have 3 children (one is autistic, one has aspergers as well as bipolar and a slew of other mental issues and my youngest has been newly diagnosed with bi polar). I feel guilt because of their emotional being. It's not fair to them and I feel like a horrible mother because of that. My youngest son already hates me. To make a very long story short, my ex husband took my kids from me when they were 8,7 and 6. He claimed my second ex husband was beating them. I was a stay at home mom and was with them pretty much 24-7 so I know there wasn't any abuse going on, not towards them anyway. My kids father got them for visitation for the summer, next thing I know, I get papers in the mail saying the courts had awarded him emergency custody. Anyway, that's just a little bit of that situation. It just seems like after that, I never could recover, and I haven't yet. It's been 13 years and the pain is still fresh.
Leed, I am so sorry for your loss. I can't begin to understand how it feels, just that I have sympathy for anyone that has lost someone close to them. Granted, my kids are alive and well, they are 2 states away and they don't want anything to do with me, so I guess, that is a loss, just not in the same way. I am so horrible with words, please forgive me if things come off as rude or inconsiderate, I don't mean them to be that way, I'm just not very articulate.