I am English living in a very remote area in the French alps. Seven or eight years ago I had a breakdown (not sure exactly when as I have a two year gap in my memory.) There were also other things at the same time like I have arterial sclerosis so I had to have stents put in and I was suffering from kidney stones.
Throughout this my wife was a rock. Held me for days as I cried telling her I just want to die. She stuck by me throughout it all.
I have been diagnosed bi-polar 1 rapid cycler.
two weeks ago I found out she has been having graphic cam sex with an ex colleague of hers for two years.
She blames my depression and that she needed some attention. Which I can understand to a point.
Our sex life over the last 3 years has been laughable and time and time again I asked her to help us change our relationship back to how it had been. Of course I didn't know she did have a sex life just not with me.
She was doing this in the house while I was in bed either at night or early morning. So now the only person I have in my life, the person who I trusted implicitly has betrayed me. I do not know what to do.
I don't take meds as I have tried pretty much every anti depressant on the market none worked apart from some unpleasant side affects. I saw a psychiatrist for 5 years but he was useless talked more about his own problems than mine. So I stopped seeing him last year. Depakote was the only thing that worked for me in levelling out my moods but it turned me into a zombie and killed the possibility of a sex life so after 4 years I weaned myself off them. Now I only take lysanxia and self medicate with pot and alcohol but not to excessive amounts.
I just don't know how to get over this and am thinking of suicide too much.
I just don't see the point in carrying on a life that is just abject misery.