Hello, Can't go on, and welcome to the forum.

Honestly, it seems to me that a lot of forgiving has to go on in your life
before your marriage might be able to sustain the pain you've gone through. The best way I know to do that is to ask for psychiatric help.

You need to talk to a specialist and find the way through therapy to forgive. You might also need medication to stabilize your emotions, because confronting all the of the problems in your life might be painful,
as you suggest they already are.

You live in a beautiful section of the world, in my view. I hope you
will come through this and find a life of happiness.

I think in some ways your wife may have been throwing a guilt trip on
you by blaming you for her affair. That's nonsense on her part. She
had the affair because she lacked the restraint to maintain loyalty at
that time. Hopefully, she will get psychiatric help and learn how to
live a life filled with loyalty and respect.

I wish you the very best and hope you find an exellent psychiatrist; there are many very good ones out there, I think.