Yes, I understand this. I'm old. My life has been just one mess after another... mostly caused by me... I'm like poison ivy.

I'm worn out. If I were honest with myself, I think I would have to admit that I don't really want to get better even if I could. But I know I can't. I just want to die... to cease to exist... to have it all be over. But I can't... well I could. But I would do even more damage than I've already done.

Still... why should I have to endure this constant agony so that others don't have to hurt? I keep up this constant charade of being just a normal everyday sort of person; while inside I'm close to being psychotic. I feel like a pressure cooker 24/7. How much should we be expected to endure for the sake of others? Sometimes I feel like my whole life has been lived trying to be what others wanted. And in the process, I've just managed to screw everything up. I'm ready to go any time...

I hope this doesn't add to your own misery Beautiful. But your post touched me deeply. It's where I live. I wish I had an answer. I don't. Maybe just go back into the hospital another time. ECT? I've never had it...although it has been suggested. Sometimes I think I'd like to go back to the psych ward. I could be crazy there. It was a relief. But I can't. Too embarrassing... have to just keep plodding along on my own... Maybe if you can find a way to keep going, I can too. My very best wishes to you!