okay im just going to start off where i think it matters. ive only had 3 real "girl friends" 2 i had for about a year and the last one 7 years. so the first one to me doesnt matter to much we had a mutual break up. the second one left me for some guy she worked with. anyway when i started seeing the third everything was great . i took the police test had just gotten a newer car that was nice and fun to drive. one day at my job(cab driver) some woman decided to blow a red light durring rush hour doin about 70mph and i sustained to my head wrist and back. at the time i was about 21 and still living at home so i didnt know what to do with the situation. the company i worked for said not to worry they would get me the best lawyers ect. the second one i went to the hospital because a buddy of mine put down a beer on the table and i screamed and grabed my ears and started crying and felt confused. when i went there they brushed me off for whatever reason like nothing was wrong . anyway long story short workers comp treated me like a criminal i got skrewd out of money because of some problems with me changen jobs for 3 months that year . but through all that this woman stuck by my side. ofcourse after that i decided not to be a police officer cause i cant chase anyone down the block ect. so she went to school while i worked part time . then we traded she found a part time job and i went to school . i got out and got a decent job... but i was driving again for a living doing feild service for a eletronics retailer. biggest mistake i ever made road rage from hell and i was generally not fun to be around after a year i quit . she kept her parttime job and i was obless for sometime depressed didnt wanna go out and lept myself isolated . i refused to get a job that was driving again but alot of tech jobs are that or phone support and i hate phones since my hearing isnt the greatest . though that time we talked about when things would get better , getting married if we wanted kids ect. at the time i wasnt sure about kids but i knew i wanted to marry her . so i didnt go out much i didnt have much money except the savings that i had that i used for bills and food . she went out and i didnt because i didnt wanna go out(because i was in pain) or because i didnt wanna spend money or both. eventually i found a job that didnt pay well but it gave me pocket cash , after a few weeks i was told i wasnt needed in the shop because the owners friend needed a job. also some girl hit my car while it was parked and totaled it so i ended up having to spend the rest of my savings on that. after dealing with that it was about xmas time and i had gotten the flu. so i wasnt lookin for work till i wasnt fluie (personally i wouldnt hire someone who would walk into my office with an infection). we were also talking alot at the time about what i wanted if i wanted kids or not ect. i wasnt sure but i was thinking about it alot . what kinda mother she would make, what kinda father could i be, so i decided if i got a decent job and my I.T carrer started moving yes i do. then for newyears i decided to go out with her to a party at a friends house and generally tryed to have a good time , it was alrite i relized im bad at socializing (partly cause i was doing nothing for so long and partly cause i have a hard time focusing on conversations). few days later she came in and ended it , said it was because she didnt think she made me happy and she needed space,she thought she wasted her years with me. month later i found out it was really because she liked this other guy she meet at her friends house(told me herself im sure the other part helped that along). so i finally made up my mind on what i wanted to do, had it set in my head and once again life threw me a wonderful curve ball. so its been a few months now i have a decent job that will further my carrer in a year or 2 , ive tryed to go out and have fun but i just cant seem to come out of my lil bubble . i dont know how to break the ice with people i guess , nor "act" happy . or really be happy . i still want to build my own family with that woman and its not possable anymore i am realizing that but i would like to meet someone else and relize it wont happen unless i am happy with myself and im not . somedays i can keep myself distracted and some ive wanted to drive into a tree . at this time i really dont have money to see anyone to help me so im hoping someone here could . i just dont see happiness in my future my hair has begun falling out at a alarming rate and i have the personality of a brick is pretty much how i look at myself and wouldnt be surprized if thats how people saw me since when i go out im quiet in a corner. the other thing im worried about is im the same at work. i feel like nothing good has happend to me in a long time except this job itself.