i really appreciate everyones reply. it's so nice to finally talk to this to people that understand.

to @allimsaying ive never really had a "low" self-esteem per-say. ive always lived by the notion that everybody is attracted to their own personal taste, i. e. what i may think is beautiful, you may think isn't so much, so to me, if somebody calls me ugly, i just take that as theres a person out there who thinks the exact opposite.

to @winter4me, i actually didnt start being medicated until i turns 19. every relationship i was in i was NOT medicated for, so maybe my emotions were WAY too strong and they felt a crazy imbalance in our chemistry? and im currently not in one. the last one i was in was when i was 18. my last one consisted of the woman cheating on me the entire time, and i just kinda gave up after that until now.

to @CharactorAssassin, i shouldve said this in the original post, but the way i acted when i stopped taking Concerta is EXACTLY how i acted when i wasnt on medication prior to being prescribed it. ive basically been white knuckling this whole time and thought it was normal to feel this way. although, going off of it so suddenly couldve made it that much worse. i just wanted to do a self-experiment to see how id act.

which brings me back to what @winter4me said about some people do need medication, i think i may be one of those people. the reason why i didnt start to use medication until this late is because ive always seen it as the "easy way out," and i feel like WAY too many people abuse it and i just didnt want to end out like that, but i see now that it was just a self-pride thing and got over it, because if i wasnt medicated, i would just sit alone and cry and never get anything done.