Hi everyone who responded,

Thanks so much for responding, and right away. I'm sorry that I didn't write back right away. It means so much to me that you answered my call for support. I've gotten a fever and just haven't been up to doing much of anything.

I don't have a therapist, I wish I did & it's not for lack of research. At some point maybe. It's ridiculous in my city. Currently I'm unemployed & uninsured, without personal savings. I've been looking for a job for months, and find occasional work at least like housecleaning maybe once a week. I am eagerly waiting on the waiting list for a place that provides 6 mos. Of free counselling. I also don't have a dr. since I'm uninsured, etc. but got a prescription thru a crisis centre, first for Celexa, which I waited for 2 mos on but didn't work. Now I've tried Zoloft for 6 weeks, not feeling any better. II will be able to pay for a doctor's visit when I get a prescription that is working for me so he/she can see me & continue the prescription but cannot pay for counselling.

What else? This goes on for me every day without fail, feeling this awful. I don't enjoy anything any more or have any interests anymore. I force myself to get interested in a novel or movie online, but that's about it. I am eating well. I was walking every day, but stopped a couple of mos. Ago. I thought of someone's suggestion here to get outside everyday and I'm sitting in the sun right now. Haven't been doing this. There's a rose bush in the yard & I went to look at it, smell it because I know roses are beautiful. But I couldn't feel any pleasure.

Adam, I appreciate what you said about you have to get out of bed to work to pay rent, and for your wife. I'm glad that at least gets you through, but of course I wish you were feeling better. The concept of just getting thru is really hard for me to accept. It doesn't seem bearable to just let the days pass like this, one day blending into the next hating the day. And like you said I have not found anything to hang on for. Someone asked me “what gets me thru” - & nothing does get me thru. The time just simply passes, simply.

I don't spend all day every day in bed, though that would be my preference. I always do something or other, like shower & ake food, clean something around the house, or sometimes like yesterday a day of work. But it never helps me feel better just because I've done something. So I don't see the point.

It's encouraging to hear that some of you have “been there”, like learningursula, and are managing better now, but you know how you when you don't have any faith in yourself you don't think that that can happen for you? The wish to keep trying or doing anything has been knocked out of me at this point, maybe I'm too far gone or will never feel any better. I've read from some people on the forums that they've been depressed for years & years. That possibility really scares me.

I didn't want to write 8 responses and flood the forum so wrote this way instead, but I am appreciating each response. Thanks for reaching out back to me. Maybe I will be able to talk some over PM.

Take care, sending hugs

Grace