Ok so six years ago I had what I refer to now as my Lost Year. From September 2005 until November 2006, I went completely crazy and did everything I could to self-destruct (except drugs). I was hospitalized 7 times and spent most of the year in a partial hospital program during the day when I wasn't inpatient, until they kicked me out and sent me to women's wellness, which I quit within 2 weeks. Each of the doctors I saw (inpatient and outpatient) tried to convince me I had bipolar disorder, and every time they mentioned it I laughed in their faces and said it was impossible. This all culminated in a near-successful suicide attempt and ECT treatment, followed by another six months of partial hospital treatment, this time in the women's trauma program. Since I was officially discharged in 2007, I have not been in treatment. The doctor there tried to tell me I had bipolar as well, because toward the end of treatment I was happy, confident, applying to college again, etcetera. I told her that I felt this was just happiness, and I resented her trying to label my every emotion, since I hadn't been happy in so long.

The main 2 reasons I did not believe I have bipolar were a) i never felt that I became hypo/manic; and b) I thought that whatever mood swings i did have were so rapid they couldn't be bipolar. Now that I have read more literature and read your experiences on here, I might have to concede that some of my mood states could have been mixed states and hypomanic states. but the thing that still gets me is this rapid cycling. How many of you are diagnosed rapid cyclers? And how rapid are your cycles? If the new pdoc does indeed diagnose me with bipolar next week, I'm looking at a maximum two weeks for each mood state since December. I mean, in the time i've been out of treatment I have definitely suffered depressive episodes lasting a month or more, but I had remained adamant that I was never hypomanic - except now I am recalling times when I was revved up, agitated, extremely irritable, and short-tempered that have worsened since our son was born two years ago, which might be considered mixed states or just the way hypomania usually presents itself in me. But since September everything has become unmanageable.

It seems my mood states last only two weeks to a month. I also believe i have experienced my first euphoric hypomania - as evidenced by a couple of rambling posts I put here. Now i feel the tendrils of depression grabbing at my feet. I'm trying to kick them away, to tell myself that i'm fine, I don't have a disorder, I'm just making this up for...what, attention? I don't want attention...etc etc.

I suppose this is a last-ditch effort to convince myself that I do not actually have a problem. This is partly because I used to make up illnesses when I was a child in order to get attention - but I would actually convince myself they were real, and would experience legitimate symptoms. I am afraid I am doing the same now, except I don't need nor want attention like I did then. Also, I've been on a lot of different medications and none of them did anything. I am afraid of starting that road again.

So long story short - how rapid are your cycles if you are rapid-cycling?