I'm sorry to hear you are struggling so much. It sounds like talking in therapy again might be a good idea if it has helped you previously.

I don't know for others but for me the urges are there - especially when I get very stressed or angry. The feelings start coming back and it can be very difficult to resist them. As for coming to terms with the SI for me it was recognising it as a coping mechanism that people are often drawn to when other coping mechanisms fail. If it has helped a person cope before thsn our minds are drawn to it again later when our new/other coping mechanisms fail. It means that there is a struggle that we are trying to manage in the best way we know how to. It sounds like with everything you have been trying to manage you have felt the need to move back to what has helped you manage strong emotion before.

But I have found what is most important to remember is that we all struggle and we all fall at times but what is most important is what we do then - it does not mean that we have failed. It is a coping mechanism but what is important is working through it and working through the emotions again to find healthier ways to manage. That isn't easy but it is possible to do.

I am thinking of you. I can't imagine how hard things must be at the moment with all you have gone through recently but it won't always be like this. 8 years is an amazing achievement and you can get there again.